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When is a marriage worth saving?

December 7, 2009

Today I only want comments to this question.

When is a marriage worth saving?

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. December 7, 2009 1:06 pm

    A marriage is always worth saving – ALWAYS!

    You dont give up because its hard or you are angry or he left his dirty dishes all over!

    You walk away if he throws you down the stairs or breaks you down and insults you.

    Anything else – you fight for your marriage at all costs!

  2. December 7, 2009 1:11 pm

    A marriage is always worth saving, but not when there is abuse and not when someone already had a chance at the mistake they have made.

  3. December 7, 2009 1:26 pm

    Difficult to speak to a theoretical marriage, or in general terms. The previous comment is right- not when there is abuse, violence or serial adultery offences (unless that is an agreement between the couple- unlikely, but times have changed…)
    As long as the couple think they can,and are prepared to work through the difficult stuff, and can communicate- there’s a chance. Sometimes external help may be necessary – counselling, therapy. But. It comes down to individuals and their choices. Some stay together for kids, some for financial reasons, some for dependence-sake and the fear of being alone. The best thing to do is sit down and take a critical look at it as individuals and then as a couple, and decide from there if it can be improved, fixed or made more exciting. The theory is easy, but its really hard to do that.

  4. December 7, 2009 1:32 pm

    The real question is “When is a marriage NOT worth saving?” When’s it time to get out?
    And the answer is: Unless there’s abuse or infidelity, pretty much never.
    There was enough love to get started and to parent children. Look for that.
    Of course that’s just my 50 cents, but you did ask.

  5. December 7, 2009 2:22 pm

    What if he insults you, say he is disappointed in you? Treats you like a child? (Bare in mind that we do have a 22 year gap between us)
    He is so angry at you because the internet account is higher than usual, you said yes, you are guilty, but you were lonely and you have friends on internet who kept you company. Then he is still mad at you after a week, because now he cant buy a blooming fishing rod!!!!!!! I really feel hurt about this, is my happiness not important?
    I dont ask much of him, only attention and love. I dont need expensive gifts, fancy restaurants, wardrobe full of clothes etc. Now that is too much to ask from him.
    It is not just because he is away now, the attention thing comes a really long time and I’ve talked about it lot of times. He doesnt even make a effort after I spoke to him about it.
    I did go and talk to a therapist, he suggested that he wants to talk to both of us, so that husband can understand what my needs are. But now he is not coming back to SA before we must go over. I am just afraid that I go and then I am so unhappy there and there I am not going to have anyone but him.

    He expects me to finish up all the stuff here in SA, I must do all the packing and moving myself. Then he gets angry if I did not do everything he wanted me to do on that day.

    I am willing to work on my marriage, but I cant do this alone. How do I make him see?

    I almost did the wrong thing, that would have end this marriage. But I didnt do it, because I still love him, I just want to feel special again.

    Andre and Scott, thanks for your comments, I appreciate to get a view from a male’s side too.
    Laura and Zola, thanks to you 2 too.

  6. December 7, 2009 2:36 pm

    Something important to remember: Neglect is also a form of abuse.
    That said, it is almost always worth fighting to save your marriage.
    Good luck to you.

  7. December 7, 2009 2:55 pm

    I stayed for 8 years of a destructive relationship trying to find something/anything to save. If it did not get to the point where I think it was more damaging for the kids for us to be in the relationship than out of it, I think I would have stayed. Relationships are hard. Fight with everything first.

  8. December 7, 2009 5:33 pm

    I hear your frustration – really I do!

    But NONE of those reasons are reasons to stop fighting! This is a very difficult time for you both. Its stressful and trying! Do you think its easy for him, as a man and an older man, to be millions of miles away and not be able to take care of you and do the things that need to be done?

    Relationships work both ways – when last did you say thank you to him for the work he does? When did you show appreciation for him for no reason?

    Relationships are dam hard – harder than anything you will do – they take constant effort.

    Good luck – I know its a hard place you are in but leaving is not the easy way out and careful what you wish for!

  9. December 7, 2009 6:15 pm

    Laura, I hear what you say.
    But I really do thank him and I tell him how much I appreciate him and I show it to him. I know what his love language are and I make sure that I do what he like and I tip toe to make sure I dont make him angry in any way.

    Then something small happens and he freaks out and tell me I am a bad person. This is not the first time, but this is the worst.

    This relationship starts to feel like a business transaction and not a marriage. He tells me what to do and I just have to say, yes sir.

  10. December 7, 2009 7:51 pm

    I agree with all the above comments. A marriage is always worth saving unless there is abuse or infidelity. The age gap can be an issue, but only if you make it one. I speak from experience here! You CANNOT save a marriage long distance. You CANNOT make anyone change. You change yourself, how you react to situations, what you say, and what you will allow the other person to make you feel. Don’t play mind games, tell him what you need. If he doesn’t get it tell him again. Some people don’t get it the first few times. Remember most of all, in everything, behave from a heart of love and respect not one of condemnation and selfishness. Your needs are important, but not important enough to destroy someone else in the process of attaining yours.

    I have sympathy for your situation, but right here right now, you are in not in the right frame of mind to be contemplating big questions like this. Get to your husband and allow yourself to be loved by him again. Then start to tackle your problems one by one. Big hugs, I hope you find the contentment you are looking for.

  11. Wenchy permalink
    December 18, 2009 2:29 am

    Abuse or infidelity are deal breakers as far as I am concerned… and I agree with the lovely MeeA that neglect is a form of abuse.

    From a twiced divorced person’s perspective, it is always worth it to save a marriage. Always… you try until there is nothing left to try, you give until you feel you are bear… and you walk away when you feel you tried everything you possibly could, you gave until you were empty…

    This said, one cannot save a marriage alone. Actually NO relationship can be saved from one side.. it takes two… but that doesn’t mean you can’t bring your halve 150%.

    Remember that after divorce, you will lie awake at 3am and contemplate if the pain (and believe me, it is fucking painful) was worth it. You need to have done everything you could to be able to look back at 3am and say “I did my best”.

    Marriage is sacred ground.

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