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Putting someone first

November 11, 2009

I am feeling so lonely right now. It is so difficult with J not being here. Now I started realizing how little support I have. Even people that I thought was very close to me and cared about me, is now nowhere to be seen or heard from. It hurts like hell.

The only person I usually shared my heartache with was J, now that he is in deep dark Africa we cant talk very often and if we talk it is only necessary stuff. I sent him a sms to tell him how I feel, no response. I have asked him a important question in an sms, no response, chatted to him on skype asked him the same question, no response, asked him again if he saw the question, no response to the question. This is really important it is about our visa stuff.

After sitting here all by myself I started to realise, I always put people first in my life, it is always J or the kids first. Then I thought further and was shocked to know that no one is putting me first, I am not the most important person in anybodies life, no one thinks of me first when they wake up, not even the man I love with my whole heart and who I think of every minute of every day. I don’t mean so much to him like he means to me. It hurts like hell to realise this. What am I doing wrong, why cant nobody love me and care about me like I do for them.

My love tank is running on empty and there is no one filling it up. I only need love and attention and not getting any of that at the moment and it is starting to eat me up, I am not myself anymore. I cant live like this.

A good friend told me that I am thinking myself down and it is going to destroy me if I don’t do something about it myself. It is just so difficult.

I just need someone to hold me and let me cry for a while.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. November 15, 2009 9:15 pm

    (((HUGS))) I didn’t actually realise J had taken that job, it must be really tough for you guys

  2. AngelinAfrica permalink
    November 15, 2009 9:17 pm

    Aw sweetie, I’m sad you feel so sad….

    Remember J is probably very busy with his new job and getting everything ready before you and the girls arrive. He needs to make a good impression to his boss and probably put a lot of things into action.

    Signal is terrible in Nigeria and often the networks are down. Sometimes I only get sms’s from SA like 3 days later. And phone calls are terrible quality. And like you said his internet connection is not great, so skype is not ideal either.

    Just be patient my friend, even though it’s so hard, your J is probably missing you like crazy and just doing everything in his power to get everything organised so you can get here as soon as possible.

    Be strong, it’s not long now and you’ll be together again. And I am certain you are the centre of your childrens lives!!!

    I’m always here for you if you need someone to talk to and will be here to give you hugs when you get to Nigeria!


  3. November 15, 2009 10:24 pm

    you are a strong beautiful woman and you are definitely first in your kids life. I am here for you and it was lovely to have you and the kids here this weekend

  4. November 15, 2009 10:36 pm

    Thanks for all your replies. Sally-Jane, thanks for having us over for the weekend. We really did have a great time.

  5. November 19, 2009 3:16 pm

    I can identify with so much of what you wrote during my own divorce some time back now… hang in there. x

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